Infertility Sucks

Where have I been???? Well kids, it’s been a rough couple of months. Today’s update I’ll talk about our infertility struggles. It’s really hard for me to put myself out there like this, and openly talk about it. My husband isn’t thrilled with the fact that I blog about it. I just feel that if I don’t get it out, share it with someone, I’ll burst with sadness. 

Infertility sucks. There I said it, SUCKS. My husband and I have been through 4 rounds of IUI {intrauterine insemination}. If you don’t know what it is, go read about it here.  All have failed.  So I spent 4 months doping myself with hormone shots for days on end, countless ultrasounds, HCG shots, and negative pregnancy tests. This equals lots of up and down emotions, crazy mood swings, due to said hormone shots, and getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed.  

People try to be supportive, and I am thankful I have people in my life that care and don’t like to see me hurt. They say it will happen when it’s supposed to happen, maybe you just are ready yet, God will provide you with a baby when it’s your time. 

All those things are well and good, but let me tell you something. When you spend your entire childhood rocking babies and playing “house”, and when people ask you what you want to be when you grow up and you say “mommy”, and then one day you’re 30 years old and childless, that hopeful child inside you dies a little. 

I know I’m not the only women in the world who has fertility issues. I know there are a lot of couples who have faced bigger struggles and harder times than we have thus far. However, knowing does not change the aching in my heart and the longing that I was born to be a mother. I have all this love to give and no one to receive it. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s missing, and I long for that to be filled. 

I have recently had the opportunity to talk to a couple other women who are facing the same uphill battle I am. It was such a relief to be able to openly and honestly talk about the feelings and the frustrations that you face when you are a mother who just doesn’t have a child. It is something that, unless you’ve been through, is very hard to fully understand. 

It’s not that I am not thrilled for the people in my life that have had the good fortune to become parents. I love both my nephews to pieces and all of the little munchkins that belong to my friends. But, it just makes me further question WHY ME? Why can they get pregnant so easily, yet it’s going to cost us thousands of dollars and years of heart ache? 

Maybe it’s because I’m focusing on it right now, but it seems like everyone is pregnant. And it also seems like everyone is pregnant that is not deserving to be pregnant. Every time I hear a story on the news of an abused child, a mother who kills her unborn baby, I just fill with anger. And if I hear one more story about someone “accidentally” getting pregnant I’ll scream. It’s a constant struggle for me and a personal demon that I face. How can God let a woman addicted to drugs, who has 2 kids already taken from her continue to get pregnant?! That is something I will never understand. 

I would be lying if I said to you that this hasn’t shaken my faith in God. It has. It’s a daily struggle. I’ve been angry with God, cried out THIS ISN’T FAIR! Why us? Why can’t two good people bring a child into this world? Why is it so difficult? Am I being punished for past sins? Are we not good enough to deserve a child? Trust me, a million things have run through my mind. 

Then the other morning when I was pouring my coffee and thinking “why does God not want me to have a child?” I thought of the stories of Sarah and Hannah in the Bible. They both were without children and God blessed them, Sarah when she least suspected it and Hannah after much prayer. Maybe like Sarah, God has a plan for me that I cannot see, and maybe I haven’t been prayerful enough as Hannah was?

My husband has been wonderful through this. It took him a while to understand how I felt, because he’s a man and hasn’t always dreamed of having children. His dream started when we met, not when he was 5 years old. He has been supportive, let me cry on his shoulder, held me through the negative test results and listened to me complain.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. We have an IVF {invitro fertilization} consult this week and I will keep you posted! In the meantime, send a prayer up for myself and all those women who long to be mothers.

Sunday Social gets Hungry

Sing this to the tune of Oh My Darlin' to get in the Sunday Social Mood

Sunday Social, Sunday Social, what will you have to say?

Is it Sunday? Is it Sunday? Take the questions, answer please!

 If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

You're asking me to pick ONE? ONE? Okay, so if there was a gun to my head and I could only eat one food.......fried potatoes. Not restaurant fries but slice up at home and fry in your cast iron in some Crisco goodness. My Mamaw taught my mom and my mom taught me and I request them at my birthday dinner every year. Some people call them home fries I think? Whatever you call them...ymmmmmmm.

What's your guilty pleasure/comfort food?

Cookies and Cream Shake from Chick Fil A

or

Strawberry Cheesecake Ben and Jerry's

or

No Bake Cookies and big glass of milk

What's the weirdest/craziest thing you've ever eaten?

I was tricked into eating calamari once?? I don't eat weird or crazy things.

What foods do you avoid at all costs?

Anything that might give me heartburn. TMI ALERT: Every since my gallbladder came out anything Italian, some teas, and pizza gives me heartburn.

What meal reminds you of your childhood?

Sunday dinners at my Mamaw's. Roast or fried chicken, mashed potatoes AND fried potatoes, and home grown corn on the cob, fried okra and green beans. OH, and did I forget the rolls?? Can you tell we're from the South since half the menu is fried?

Share one of your favorite recipes and the story behind it.

I choose this because it's probably the first thing my mom and I cooked together. When I was really young all I knew was that my mom made them a lot. As I got older and got my friendly visitor every month, I realized why we had them!! ;-)

No Bake Cookies

2 cups sugar

4 tablespoons cocoa

3/4 cup milk

• 1/2 cup peanut butter {I like crunchy and usually put more}
• Mix ingredients and bring to a boil for 2 mintues.
• Remove and add 3 cups quick oats.
• Stir and add peanut butter.
• Add 1 teaspoon vanilla.
  

It's Okie Dokie Thursday!

Time for a little linking up! It's Okay Thursdays with Neely and Amber.

   It's Okay..............    that my husband loves shoes as much as I do, because he buys them for me too!   well, it's really okay, that I went grocery shopping and planned the menu for the next week...Gluten Free!   that I ran into a good friend at the grocery store and we're having lunch Friday!   that in one week our microwave, shower, and pressure switch on our water well went out. At least things come in 3's so hopefully we're in the clear!    that I've been driving my new {to me} car around with the black hood until we can get it painted!   that I want you to read this post and tell me if you love country music?!   that my husband hates the Kardashian's for naming their kid Mason. He used to love that his name was original, now it's the #2 baby boy name for 2012! I can only assume next year Penelope will be baby girl name #2.
 

Pro-Life not Anti-Choice

Let me preface this by saying this blog post may differ from your personal opinion. Just because we have different opinions doesn't make us enemies or mean that we can't still be friends. I still LOVE everyone regardless of your decisions. I just may have different convictions than you that make my opinions different. However, as a women who suffers from infertility this story struck me at a deep place in my heart and I had to share it with you. 

I often read TheStir.com for funny stories. My sister introduced me to the website with a funny story about what some moms found their kids eating out of the trash!! Gross I know, but they also take on serious topics and while strolling the website yesterday I came across the title Woman Blogs About Her Abortion So the World Can See Truth. I read and I cried.

This anonymous woman had an abortion and took pictures and blogged about it. "The glass beakers with frothy red liquid at the base show what really comes out of a woman when she's 6 weeks pregnant and decides she does not wish to remain that way."

The article on TheStir.com goes on to talk about how brave she is and how it shows "the truth" about abortion. The author also calls pro-lifers "anti-choice" which is interesting. I'm not anti-choice, I hope you choose not to have sex until you're ready for a baby. I also hope you choose not to kill your unborn baby.

I could go on and on here about my opinions but I won't, but this paragraph made my blood boil.

"A woman can choose "life," they say. A woman who gets an abortion "kills" a baby. And yet, look inside the glass beakers on This Is My Abortion. There's no baby there. You do not see anything like that fully formed fetus on that billboard. In fact, what is in those beakers is less than what comes out of the uterus on the standard day for a lady who tends to have heavy periods."

It's clear from reading the blog this women isn't open to anyone's opinions than her own. I find it interesting she chooses to be anonymous, but that's what the internet allows us to do. Feel brave behind the mask of "anonymous".

She started out the same way her baby did at 6 weeks. We're all living proof sperm and egg meet and take time to form. Does that mean we're less of a human until we reach a certain stage of formation?

I'll leave you with these thoughts. I think what shocks me the most is she minimalizes it to "just a beaker of blood". She's trying to justify her actions by making it seem like no big deal.

I know lots of people who suffer from infertility. I know friends who have had miscarriages after years of trying to have a baby. So I say this. Ask the women who finally get's pregnant after months and months of trying, what she sees in that beaker after a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Don't think you'll hear her saying "there's no baby in there, just tissue and blood like my period". I know they mourn the loss of their baby whom they already loved.

Lastly, I borrowed this from BabyCenter.com

How your baby's growing at 6 weeks: 

This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil.

CMT

Hi friends :-) I know I've been gone, but I've barely had time to catch my breath the last few weeks. Family, Work, Marriage...these things take time! But I'm back and am super excited to start a new blog staple, if you will, on Tuesdays.



Country music has always played a big part in my life. For as far back as I can remember my mom played country music in the car, while she was cleaning, and went to many concerts. That heritage was passed on to me and I can never get enough country music! Don't ask me what's on the radio for other music, because most likely I don't know. However, I can name every Reba, George, or Alabama song ever recorded! I hope to make some new friends who love country too, and share with ya'll what I love about it.

So to pay homage to my love for country, I will blog about it every Tuesday. CMT days {get it?} Country Music Tuesdays!

Today I thought I'd let you in on a little secret. I LOVE REBA. Here are just a few reasons...

• She's from Oklahoma and so am I! 
• She's actually from a little town really close the the little town my mom grew up in and my aunt knew her fan club president who used to get things signed for me.
• I went to my first concert when I was 5 years old and sat in the front row.
• I've been to 12 concerts and I'm {almost} 30 so you do the math.
• I own every record, cassette tape, cd, and itunes album ever
• My fave Reba album is the 1989 Live Album
• Christmas isn't really hear yet until I've heard BOTH of her Christmas albums
• Saw Reba when she came to Oklahoma to launch her clothing line at Dillards and Narvel {her hubby} and I met and said hi!
• I was in the Reba fan club for years
• I own a Reba buckle belt {that I rocked with my Rockies jeans and laced up cowboy boots in the 90's} and may or may not still whip out for concerts
• I have a box with all my Reba memorabilia in it 
• I have read both of her biographies
• I cried the first time I listend to Fancy and was old enough to understand the meaning behind the song
• I still listen to her while I clean my house {unless the hubs is around, he doesn't share my love...yet}
• I own every season of Reba, the tv show, on dvd
• My life long goal as a child was to sing back up for Reba
• Yes I'm an Oklahoma girl and have just obviously proved it. 

As I've gotten older of course, so has Reba. Her new music isn't my fave. I can totally belt out some 70's, 80's and 90's Reba though. I will leave you with a few pictures to humiliate me prove what I just wrote.

Reba and I backstage 1989

Oh ya know, just jumpin on my trampoline in my signed Reba t-shirt.

My 9th birthday, it was Reba themed, and yes, those bangs are for real.

My Reba decorated bedroom!

I played a Reba "doll" in my 6th grade Christmas play. They wound me up with a big key and I sang a verse of "I'll be Home for Christmas". It was as awesome as it sounds. Oh, and that's the belt buckle.

 

 

How could I end a post without leaving you a video of her singing "Fancy"?! You're welcome.